sitting in my living room self destructing. how can i POSSIBLY be starting over again on monday when i havent even begun to heal from the last year. WHY ISN'T ANYONE FIGHTING WITH ME? or for me? i think that's the worst part. that no one even tried to keep me in their life this summer. everyone tried so hard while i was gone and then i got home and they just stopped.

but i think thats where its my fault. i never tried. pushed everyone away all year while i was at school. because it was too hard while i was gone. hard enough that i hated leo without missing home even more by talking to them. and then i got back and it was like BAM! i don't know these people. and even if they are the same people i once knew, then i dont know myself anymore. i spent eight months raving to anyone who would listen about these great friends i had back at home who all loved each other, who loved me. turns out that the only problems was that i dont love them. not the people they truly are. at their cores.

I know that i did not come home for them. but it still hurts. that i loved them so deeply, and i dont have anything to show for it but fading memories. Because the truth is, i'm forgetting. Forgetting what is was like when it was me and alexa following att to the ends of the earth and back. Forgetting the days when sean and i couldnt be in the same room peacefully. Forgetting what exactly mikeone would say to calm me down when i threatened to lose control.

Forgetting the things Larry said that made me feel like he was ever anything more than what he is.

Forgetting the things Matt told me to make me think I was ever anything more than what I am.

Scarier still is the fact that almost nothing from this whole year at school registers in my brain. If I really sit and think about it, of course I can recall it. But it isn't there. Which is weird, but makes sense. Because it didn't matter to me. I was so empty that I never made and effort to store it in my memory.

yeah im done with this.

is this okay? can we love again?

Oh hey there. I felt the need to stop by and do some old school journal blogging. Today was a strange day. First I was really annoyed at the mall because I love clothes so much but can't wear the ones I want. Then I was pissed at Hannah because she thinks she know everything in the damn world. Then I was like, upset? Because I don't want to lose this when it is about to be so good. And I will never be little or that pretty so it was some more self hate. In the end though, I was just so... happy. I can make this work and we will be okay. He knows the words, even though I won't say them to him. Summer is going to be really interesting ;)

Oh, and Melissa is drunk as fuck over there in her bed.

puppy.

Oh it's you. I almost forgot. I have 24 minutes. People I love. Today is Sean Kennedy (stupid no middle name). Well, out of all the people in my life Sean and I definately have the most bipolar past. It's weird, like I was saying the other day, how time plays with my mind. Sometimes, I can't believe where I am, and how things turned out in my life. He was just the boy I got assigned to sit next to in Algebra II. The cute boy with the silly hair. And then he was in this new band that one of my only friends was in. And then it all just sort of happened. My life, I mean. I liked him soso much. But really only ever in the school girl, paulofcharsky kind of way. But he was such an asshole to me. That still hurts, even if you don't love someone. He completely disappeared that first summer. One of the first times I saw him was as I left Cree's house on the day our fight started.

Alll of a sudden we were okay, Sean and I. I remember going to a show at metro with a bunch of people one day in September and thinking, "How can this be okay, how can I just be friends with him when he didn't talk to be all summer?" I am well aware of the fact that he more than likely legitamately disliked me my junior year. I was so obnoxious and annoying and GAHHH why did anyone ever talk to me?

Then that fateful day came. Halloween. I don't even know what happened. I didn't then and I don't now. It wasn't just him. It was that he embodied everything I hated about myself at the time. The things and times I had lost. Then I lost him again. And I don't even want to talk about the next part.

But as the year went on, and "the spot" formed, things got better. All leading up the that silly night with him and Larry that lead to Philly. And then prom. Which wasn't one of the shining moments in our history, but I'm still happy it happened.

In the end, it's strange how much I honestly feel like he's my brother. Because sometimes he's there and sometimes he's not. Because no one beats the crap out of me like he does. And because I love him, in the most sisterly way. I just want to lay around and watch TV with him at night after he gets home from swimming. I want the best for him even if it isn't the best for everyone.

Life is just too strange for me today. The way everything happens.

Days 'Til Schools Over: 17

All Caps Harry

Howdy There. Today was a normal lazy Sunday. I slept until noon. Ordered pizza with Hannah and Melissa. Hung around. Went to dinner in the caf. Brittany would not stop being her annoying-as-all-hell self and talking about the Masters. As we were walking out it got to the point where I turned to her and yelled "WE DON'T CARE!" Her favorite retarded thing to do and respond to everything by saying "you're" and then whatever you just said to her. Sticking to that, she goes "I don't care about you. You can walk back up." So I did. I know she didn't mean it but I don't give a shit. I do not like her. There. I don't need her to drive me places and annoy the shit out of me at all times.

Then we all went to Target. After I spent like two hours making outfits on polyvore. I feel so lame. The only reason in the whole world that I want to be skinny is so that I could wear whatever the fuck I want. Not for anyone else, but just because I love clothes so much.

I realized once again yesterday how much I really just don't care about any else's life. In terms of people here, anyway. I don't care about their problems or sadness or anything. Is that bad? I just want to go home and not have to think about coming back here. I applied to like four schools today. I just think college is such a waste of my time.

RAWR ANGSTY BLOG POST.

Plus side: I got a really cute bag at Target for the summer. Oh, and the nail polish I've been wanting. That's all the plus side I can muster. I really didn't have the money for those things, my phone is fucked up, I have too much school work to do, and I don't like anyone here right now.

Days 'Til Schools Over: 18

Movies This Month: 13

Teeeeeeeny

Heey. Today consisted of getting up too early, giving a tour to a huge group of annoying people. Having a delicious brunch in the caf. Helping with and watching the play again. Laying in my bed. I finished Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I shall do a write up on it tomorrow because today is People I Love. Today is the first time it is someone in my life that I only know because I moved here to Florida. She is actually the only person here that I would say I love: Kristina Marina Gardella.

If I had to line up everyone that plays a large role in my life and pick teams, the stay team and the go team, she would be my right hand nerd. Gee, I thought I liked a lot of crazy things, but I am nothing compared to her. And I love her for it. But it is the way that she balances that (and generally acting like a nine year old boy) with being extraordinarily smart and well read.

Her silly New Yorker attitude cracks me up and her dad is her best friend. She makes me believe that there are other people in the world that I can genuinely like and relate to. It deeply upsets me that she isn't coming back to Leo next year. But I honestly think that we will maintain a friendship for a long time to come.

Days 'Til Schools Over: 18

Movies This Month: 12

So Super Sickly.

Chao. Today consisted mostly of me laying in bed not being able to move because if I did, my head would surely explode. After missing both of my classes, Nina finally convinced me that I had to get up and eat. So we went to lunch. Then I came back up to my room and figured that since it was one of those incredibly rare times when Melissa isn't in the room when I am (and since it had been like two and a half days) I showered. Then I did my laundry slash sat around with Kristina. Then Melissa left to go, like, make Jello shots or something so I cleaned. Because cleaning is the only thing my body ever wants to do when it's sick. It's like "Hey, I can't get the junk out of your pounding head but I can get the junk out of your drawers.

Then I went to dinner. It's alumni weekend so they actually had good food in the caf. And a shit ton of fruit. It was nice. My duty has a friend then kicked in and I went to the play again, which was actually super good last night, but tonight Jeremy freaking the fuck out and couldn't go on so there were only three people in this four person play. It all ended up working out fine.

I don't really have much else to say. Everyone is upstairs having those Jello shots, but I think I am just going to curl up here in my bed and read Will Grayson, Will Grayson because I was too sick to do so last night. RAWR doesn't the world know who I am? I don't get sick.

Days 'Til Schools Over : 19

Movies This Month: 12

mikeone.

Yo. Seeing as today is a People I Love day and I am now afraid to miss another day, I figured I would do this early instead of late at night. I really should have a better plan for who I am going to write about for these. Also, I am almost positive that I don't love 14 people. Is that okay? I figure I would rather love a few people a lot than love a lot of people a little. Or even love a lot of people a lot. I don't know.

Anyway, today is going to be about Michael Christopher Brennan. Lately, my brain has been finding it difficult to conceptualize time. The fact that over two years ago, At the Terminal was just starting. He was just the cute, quiet, little drummer from New Jersey. And I was still this too obnoxious, too loud, too angry girl. I have no doubt that he was 100% afraid of me. But at the same time, just six months after the first ATT show, he was all I had in the world. That was really when we became the friends that we are now. Going to and from school everyday, being there at each other's worst times of the day. I know what could have very well happened if he hadn't been in the car on some of those days.

Like everyone else in the world, sometimes we hate each other. I've never really cared, like some people do, about his drifting habits. I think it's healthy to get away from people sometimes. The major problems we ever had revolved around our different opinions on who I chose to associate with last year. But, in the end, it's whatever.

He's still the cute one. Not so shy anymore. I have always just wanted the best for him, more than the others because sometimes I feel like he needs someone to believe in him more. Everyone needs therapy sometimes, and I like being someone's person and them being mine. Life is weird the ways in which it brings people to you. And the desperateness with which you hold onto them. I love mikeone because of everything he is (even if he doesn't like it), and who we are together and the foreverness he makes me feel about things.

Writing these is so much more about myself than about the people in them. I feel like there has to be some reason it's these people. Or that I am trying to recall what makes me happy. As I was writing this I remembered how I had creative writing 9th mod junior year next door to the room in which mikeone and Larry had study hall and I would wait for them to come out at the end of the day to walk upstairs with mikeone (because Larry and I, afterall, were just casual friends). And as we walked upstairs, we (mostly them) would scream the words to ATT songs. I don't know why it stands out so much in my mind. And then to think about the time we had that sleepover. It all seems so far apart and distant and so close. Time is so dumb sometimes.

rar rar reese's

Bonjour! I am doing this nice and early so as to make sure I actually do it. Today was pretty standard day. Went to my three morning classes. Had a quiz in art, easy as normal. The concepts where we just talked about more ways in which I am going to die. YAY heart failure. Global Perspective was better than usual today because both Hannah and the-boy-over-there-who-is-the-only-one-that-talks weren't there, so I was the only one that answered any questions and got a point added to my grade. He also handed back our book reports and I got an A on mine. The one I wrote literally hours before it was due and didn't even read the book. This school really is an academic joke. I'm sort of okay with that though.

After that, we went to lunch as per usual, though Hannah wasn't there. I'm pretty sure she slept all day long. Kristina and I got into a bitch fight behind the SCC as we left lunch. Some kid was handing out candy as propaganda to get votes in SGU elections. I got a Reese's Cup and a Trix but my hands were wet with post lunch hand sanitizer so I hand my candy to Kristina to hold. She goes, "Well, this is mine." And she put the Reese's, wrapper and all, in her mouth. So, I attacked her. It was pretty brutal. She elbowed me in the boob. But I got my candy back. Though when I opened it, it had Kristina's teeth marks in it and was really squishy. Tasted normal though...

Checked my mail after that, still no WGWG. But I checked the tracking number and it should be her tomorrow. Went to work. Did minimal amount of work. My tour today was to two really nice blonde boys from Wesley Chapel. I was delirious or something during it but all was well. Then I went back to work until five and just talked to Alex the whole time and we read celebrity gossip. She and I have to much fun.

Went to dinner with Kristina, MellyPoo, and Brit. Then I had to go track down my RA Kayla to fill out some census thing. Then I talked to mikeone on the phone. I like that I am his person. Therapy is nice. Had a film test. Easy-peasy. Talked to my sick momma =(

Talked to mikeone some more. Mostly about ant genocide. Went to sonic. Now I'm just sitting here. I need to start working on my philosophy paper. Maybe I will do that now, but more than likely I am going to find a movie to watch and then lay here playing bubble spinner, which has taken over my life. I see it when I close my eyes. But that's better than other things I could see

Days 'Til Schools Over: 21

Movies This Month: 11

i can't do anything right.

I didn't blog yesterday. That makes me really angry and I was just going to blog twice today, which I guess technically I am doing, but it doesn't even count. God, I'm such a failure.

la la late

Oh hello there. I just wrote a four page paper in the last hour. I don't even know what it said but it had six sources and like 10 foot notes. So that's good. With twelve days of classes left, it is crunch slash paper slash project time. I'm not really okay with this, but what can a girl? (You know, if she doesn't want to fail.) I didn't really do anything at all today but I was in a really good mood. Hannah and I went on a road trip to get the lighting for her play. That was fun. I think the man there thought we were high. Swell. Then Kristina and I had that weird post dinner giggle-fest we have at least once a week. The Gamma girls were selling cupcakes and I happened to have 50 cents, so I bought one. Then as we walked back to the car, I thought it would be a great idea to go all Lauren-Lopez-as-Draco-Malfoy on a bench. I handed Kristina my cupcake to hold and then I laid backwards over the arm of the bench and sprawled out and rolled off. To my utter hilarity, Amanda Cassar was walking toward us through the parking lot. I couldn't even stop laughing to see her reaction. (She texted me later saying "that was epic"). When I turned to Kristina, who was also dying laughing, she handed me an empty cupcake paper! BITCH ATE MY CUPCAKE!

We went to the mall after dinner to go dress shopping for me. It was sort of like, Kristina try on dresses and wish she could go to prom. Then, as I became super dejected because I hate trying things on because they never fit me, really nice but extremely creepy fitting room lady brought me a really nice dress that looks good on me. So I bought it. Well, I called my mom and she had to buy it until I get paid. Oh and she's really sick, so that sucks.

I guess I really didn't do "nothing" today.

Days 'Til Schools Over: 23

Movies this month: 9

LarBone

My weekend of solitary confinement has drawn to a close here tonight as everyone files back into the dorms. I have a paper due sometime tomorrow but I am going to do this instead. Second in the People I Love series is Lawrence Michael Gilman.

I'm not particularly sure where to begin with this one. This week marks one year since what I count as the beginning of what our friendship is. I distinctly remember thinking how random it was that he texted me to see if I wanted to hang out. I told him I was at work but I would when I was done. I called my mom to tell her I wasn't coming home right after work. When I told her who I was going to hang out with she had no idea who he was. We met in the Blockbuster parking lot and then hung out for the rest of the night. It was a Monday.

Four days later, we went to Philly and then I don't even really know. The next five months were a whirl of ice cream and balling and Target and cuddling. He went from being some boy I walked to math class with to being my very best friend. We had our moments, but I wouldnt trade them for anything. The W word followed, follows, us around. But it's that Dawson/Joey complex. Sort of. I don't know. I don't think anyone does. But that's what makes our relationship so special and important.

He is the silliest, weirdest, most embarassing, hairiest, most talented, over-protective, road-rage induced, handsomest, most loving person I have ever let into my life.

I don't know if I only love him so much because he was there at the most wonderful part of my life or if it was the most wonderful part of my life because he was there.

AND NOW, since I may or may not being crying, I'm just going to go over here in the corner and will it to be the 28th so I can go home.

Days 'Til Schools Over: 24

Movies this Month: 9 (that's right I watched four movies today)

Where's my mind?

Blog everyday has been more like blog really late every night. Today I felt like I was losing my god-damned mind. I just have nothing to do with everyone gone home for Easter. I guess today's blog will just be about what I did do today. I tweeted about 35 times. I watched Little Rascals and Sky High which was just fantastic. I also cleaned out my pictures my making like six posts on my other blog. I wish I knew the linky for that sucker. Let's find it... nbvcxzavvvvvvvvvvvvvvxzvdbnl;lkmkl ,m

All of that mess right there is me dropping my computer off of my bed YAY!

Anyway, it's http://www.search4sophos.blogspot.com

I tried to start writing my paper for art class but that fails because it bored me even more then boredom did. Watching those two movie took up a lot of time so that was nice.

I also spent a crap ton of time today looking at prom dresses but it just kept frustrating me because I wanted to be able to try them on and you cannot try on pictures off of the computer screen.

Then, just now, I watched The Other Boleyn Girl. Anne is such a bitch, she deserved to have her head cut off. I actually wanted to watch the Tudors but couldn't find it online and that's fugging annoying.

OH OH AND ALADDIN WAS ON. but for all the excitement and how much I have been wanting to watch it, I turned it off. Now I am going to continue to listen to PoA, which I started today, and see if I can find a torrent of the Tudors.

Days 'til school's out : 25

Movies this month: 5

Her Name is Cree.

I watched John Green's livestream show earlier today. It was, as usual, plenty of fun. But one thing that he was talking about really fits with a large portion of my life. While explaining what exactly Will Grayson, Will Grayson is about, he touch on one of the major flaws of United States (and a lot of the world) culture: the importance people place in romantic love. People install in others this belief that you're not complete if you don't have a significant other. I agree with the flaw-y-ness of this. But then his friend Chris randomly called him. He hung up and was like, "Man, I love that guy." And then defended it saying obviously not in a gay way but in a best friend way. He then started talking about how the relationships that you have with everyone in your life are the important ones. Not searching for one person to make you complete. I whole-heartedly believe this, straight down to my core. Yes, I wouldn't mind having a boy. Sometimes I really wish I did. But I do not need one to complete me. I have always tried to be about the important people in my life, especially for the last year of my life. Sometimes I have a conversation with someone, or an encounter, or a moment, and afterwards I just go, "Wow, I love insert person so much." And it's enough.

I feel this was perfect timing for the first installment of the People I Love days. It doesn't require any thought for me to know who these people are, just what I want to say about them and who to write about on which days. I am going to start with my friends because my family is going to to have one large post. First up, Christina Deborah Gregory. It strikes me as irksome that it was blogging that made me lose her that one time. It almost makes me never want to write about her. Not that I think it's going to happen again, but because it reminds me how writing can come back to bite you in the ass.

But that's what everything else in the world has the potential to do too. Another thing that hit me recently is how long we really have been friends. We're pushing six years, which is a goddamn record for anyone in my life. I have never had one person who I have so easily been able to share things with. Not so much verbally (because everyone knows how willing I am to talk) but in experiences. In a list of days I will never forget, she would be involved or present for at least half of them. A lot of that has to do with the fact that we like so many of the same things; whether by chance or just by shaping each other. But some of it has to do with the sheer fact that she's willing to do things with me, and be there for me, even when I make no sense at all.

She's the only person who lets me talk and talk and talk. Even though I don't think she likes it at all because she thinks it means I'm not listening to her. But I do, you know, try. All in all, I think she has taught me a lot about what it means to love. Plenty of that has to do with that sometimes I feel like I have to love her double; my love for her and love for herself. I get scared for her sometimes. But my new thing is having to believe that love is enough. I have run out of everything else. All I have to give any of these people I am going to write about is my love.

Days 'til school's over : 26

HP books this semester: 3

BEDA

I'm not entirely sure why I feel like doing Blog Everyday in April this year. I also don't know what I am going to write about. But I figure since I spend most of my time sitting on my bed playing Bubble Spinner, I have time to write something down.

My brain thought a lot today about my Philosophy project. I have to write a 2500 word dialogue (which chrome is insisting is spelled wrong). It was to be between 3-5 characters and they have to be "as smart as I can make them." Can't characters I'm writing only be as smart as I am? Anything they say, I have to know. So, I think that is sort of weird. But the topic is forgiveness, broadly. More specifically in regards to what we have learned in class and The Sunflower. Which is this book we read (okay I haven't actually read it yet). I am a little afraid that I am going to get too into this assignment. It has happened before. I like when school lets me think about deep things but it turns into rambles sometimes. Like this blog.

Other than that assignment, I have one other paper that's due Monday, two finals and I am more or less done with my first year in college. Strange to think how fast it went and how little about it I feel mattered at all. I did learn a lot of things about myself and about the people in my life. I think that is what I am going to do on the even days of the month; on each one I am going to write about a different person in my life. Just whatever I want to write about them, that sounds good. On the odd days I think I am going to talk about some pop-culturey thing. A movie or book or something nerdfighter related.

SOUND GOOD, BLOG?

GOOD. DON'T YOU TALK BACK TO ME.

Days 'Til Schools Over : 27