sitting in my living room self destructing. how can i POSSIBLY be starting over again on monday when i havent even begun to heal from the last year. WHY ISN'T ANYONE FIGHTING WITH ME? or for me? i think that's the worst part. that no one even tried to keep me in their life this summer. everyone tried so hard while i was gone and then i got home and they just stopped.
but i think thats where its my fault. i never tried. pushed everyone away all year while i was at school. because it was too hard while i was gone. hard enough that i hated leo without missing home even more by talking to them. and then i got back and it was like BAM! i don't know these people. and even if they are the same people i once knew, then i dont know myself anymore. i spent eight months raving to anyone who would listen about these great friends i had back at home who all loved each other, who loved me. turns out that the only problems was that i dont love them. not the people they truly are. at their cores.
I know that i did not come home for them. but it still hurts. that i loved them so deeply, and i dont have anything to show for it but fading memories. Because the truth is, i'm forgetting. Forgetting what is was like when it was me and alexa following att to the ends of the earth and back. Forgetting the days when sean and i couldnt be in the same room peacefully. Forgetting what exactly mikeone would say to calm me down when i threatened to lose control.
Forgetting the things Larry said that made me feel like he was ever anything more than what he is.
Forgetting the things Matt told me to make me think I was ever anything more than what I am.
Scarier still is the fact that almost nothing from this whole year at school registers in my brain. If I really sit and think about it, of course I can recall it. But it isn't there. Which is weird, but makes sense. Because it didn't matter to me. I was so empty that I never made and effort to store it in my memory.
yeah im done with this.
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