sitting in my living room self destructing. how can i POSSIBLY be starting over again on monday when i havent even begun to heal from the last year. WHY ISN'T ANYONE FIGHTING WITH ME? or for me? i think that's the worst part. that no one even tried to keep me in their life this summer. everyone tried so hard while i was gone and then i got home and they just stopped.

but i think thats where its my fault. i never tried. pushed everyone away all year while i was at school. because it was too hard while i was gone. hard enough that i hated leo without missing home even more by talking to them. and then i got back and it was like BAM! i don't know these people. and even if they are the same people i once knew, then i dont know myself anymore. i spent eight months raving to anyone who would listen about these great friends i had back at home who all loved each other, who loved me. turns out that the only problems was that i dont love them. not the people they truly are. at their cores.

I know that i did not come home for them. but it still hurts. that i loved them so deeply, and i dont have anything to show for it but fading memories. Because the truth is, i'm forgetting. Forgetting what is was like when it was me and alexa following att to the ends of the earth and back. Forgetting the days when sean and i couldnt be in the same room peacefully. Forgetting what exactly mikeone would say to calm me down when i threatened to lose control.

Forgetting the things Larry said that made me feel like he was ever anything more than what he is.

Forgetting the things Matt told me to make me think I was ever anything more than what I am.

Scarier still is the fact that almost nothing from this whole year at school registers in my brain. If I really sit and think about it, of course I can recall it. But it isn't there. Which is weird, but makes sense. Because it didn't matter to me. I was so empty that I never made and effort to store it in my memory.

yeah im done with this.

is this okay? can we love again?

Oh hey there. I felt the need to stop by and do some old school journal blogging. Today was a strange day. First I was really annoyed at the mall because I love clothes so much but can't wear the ones I want. Then I was pissed at Hannah because she thinks she know everything in the damn world. Then I was like, upset? Because I don't want to lose this when it is about to be so good. And I will never be little or that pretty so it was some more self hate. In the end though, I was just so... happy. I can make this work and we will be okay. He knows the words, even though I won't say them to him. Summer is going to be really interesting ;)

Oh, and Melissa is drunk as fuck over there in her bed.

puppy.

Oh it's you. I almost forgot. I have 24 minutes. People I love. Today is Sean Kennedy (stupid no middle name). Well, out of all the people in my life Sean and I definately have the most bipolar past. It's weird, like I was saying the other day, how time plays with my mind. Sometimes, I can't believe where I am, and how things turned out in my life. He was just the boy I got assigned to sit next to in Algebra II. The cute boy with the silly hair. And then he was in this new band that one of my only friends was in. And then it all just sort of happened. My life, I mean. I liked him soso much. But really only ever in the school girl, paulofcharsky kind of way. But he was such an asshole to me. That still hurts, even if you don't love someone. He completely disappeared that first summer. One of the first times I saw him was as I left Cree's house on the day our fight started.

Alll of a sudden we were okay, Sean and I. I remember going to a show at metro with a bunch of people one day in September and thinking, "How can this be okay, how can I just be friends with him when he didn't talk to be all summer?" I am well aware of the fact that he more than likely legitamately disliked me my junior year. I was so obnoxious and annoying and GAHHH why did anyone ever talk to me?

Then that fateful day came. Halloween. I don't even know what happened. I didn't then and I don't now. It wasn't just him. It was that he embodied everything I hated about myself at the time. The things and times I had lost. Then I lost him again. And I don't even want to talk about the next part.

But as the year went on, and "the spot" formed, things got better. All leading up the that silly night with him and Larry that lead to Philly. And then prom. Which wasn't one of the shining moments in our history, but I'm still happy it happened.

In the end, it's strange how much I honestly feel like he's my brother. Because sometimes he's there and sometimes he's not. Because no one beats the crap out of me like he does. And because I love him, in the most sisterly way. I just want to lay around and watch TV with him at night after he gets home from swimming. I want the best for him even if it isn't the best for everyone.

Life is just too strange for me today. The way everything happens.

Days 'Til Schools Over: 17

All Caps Harry

Howdy There. Today was a normal lazy Sunday. I slept until noon. Ordered pizza with Hannah and Melissa. Hung around. Went to dinner in the caf. Brittany would not stop being her annoying-as-all-hell self and talking about the Masters. As we were walking out it got to the point where I turned to her and yelled "WE DON'T CARE!" Her favorite retarded thing to do and respond to everything by saying "you're" and then whatever you just said to her. Sticking to that, she goes "I don't care about you. You can walk back up." So I did. I know she didn't mean it but I don't give a shit. I do not like her. There. I don't need her to drive me places and annoy the shit out of me at all times.

Then we all went to Target. After I spent like two hours making outfits on polyvore. I feel so lame. The only reason in the whole world that I want to be skinny is so that I could wear whatever the fuck I want. Not for anyone else, but just because I love clothes so much.

I realized once again yesterday how much I really just don't care about any else's life. In terms of people here, anyway. I don't care about their problems or sadness or anything. Is that bad? I just want to go home and not have to think about coming back here. I applied to like four schools today. I just think college is such a waste of my time.

RAWR ANGSTY BLOG POST.

Plus side: I got a really cute bag at Target for the summer. Oh, and the nail polish I've been wanting. That's all the plus side I can muster. I really didn't have the money for those things, my phone is fucked up, I have too much school work to do, and I don't like anyone here right now.

Days 'Til Schools Over: 18

Movies This Month: 13

Teeeeeeeny

Heey. Today consisted of getting up too early, giving a tour to a huge group of annoying people. Having a delicious brunch in the caf. Helping with and watching the play again. Laying in my bed. I finished Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I shall do a write up on it tomorrow because today is People I Love. Today is the first time it is someone in my life that I only know because I moved here to Florida. She is actually the only person here that I would say I love: Kristina Marina Gardella.

If I had to line up everyone that plays a large role in my life and pick teams, the stay team and the go team, she would be my right hand nerd. Gee, I thought I liked a lot of crazy things, but I am nothing compared to her. And I love her for it. But it is the way that she balances that (and generally acting like a nine year old boy) with being extraordinarily smart and well read.

Her silly New Yorker attitude cracks me up and her dad is her best friend. She makes me believe that there are other people in the world that I can genuinely like and relate to. It deeply upsets me that she isn't coming back to Leo next year. But I honestly think that we will maintain a friendship for a long time to come.

Days 'Til Schools Over: 18

Movies This Month: 12

So Super Sickly.

Chao. Today consisted mostly of me laying in bed not being able to move because if I did, my head would surely explode. After missing both of my classes, Nina finally convinced me that I had to get up and eat. So we went to lunch. Then I came back up to my room and figured that since it was one of those incredibly rare times when Melissa isn't in the room when I am (and since it had been like two and a half days) I showered. Then I did my laundry slash sat around with Kristina. Then Melissa left to go, like, make Jello shots or something so I cleaned. Because cleaning is the only thing my body ever wants to do when it's sick. It's like "Hey, I can't get the junk out of your pounding head but I can get the junk out of your drawers.

Then I went to dinner. It's alumni weekend so they actually had good food in the caf. And a shit ton of fruit. It was nice. My duty has a friend then kicked in and I went to the play again, which was actually super good last night, but tonight Jeremy freaking the fuck out and couldn't go on so there were only three people in this four person play. It all ended up working out fine.

I don't really have much else to say. Everyone is upstairs having those Jello shots, but I think I am just going to curl up here in my bed and read Will Grayson, Will Grayson because I was too sick to do so last night. RAWR doesn't the world know who I am? I don't get sick.

Days 'Til Schools Over : 19

Movies This Month: 12

mikeone.

Yo. Seeing as today is a People I Love day and I am now afraid to miss another day, I figured I would do this early instead of late at night. I really should have a better plan for who I am going to write about for these. Also, I am almost positive that I don't love 14 people. Is that okay? I figure I would rather love a few people a lot than love a lot of people a little. Or even love a lot of people a lot. I don't know.

Anyway, today is going to be about Michael Christopher Brennan. Lately, my brain has been finding it difficult to conceptualize time. The fact that over two years ago, At the Terminal was just starting. He was just the cute, quiet, little drummer from New Jersey. And I was still this too obnoxious, too loud, too angry girl. I have no doubt that he was 100% afraid of me. But at the same time, just six months after the first ATT show, he was all I had in the world. That was really when we became the friends that we are now. Going to and from school everyday, being there at each other's worst times of the day. I know what could have very well happened if he hadn't been in the car on some of those days.

Like everyone else in the world, sometimes we hate each other. I've never really cared, like some people do, about his drifting habits. I think it's healthy to get away from people sometimes. The major problems we ever had revolved around our different opinions on who I chose to associate with last year. But, in the end, it's whatever.

He's still the cute one. Not so shy anymore. I have always just wanted the best for him, more than the others because sometimes I feel like he needs someone to believe in him more. Everyone needs therapy sometimes, and I like being someone's person and them being mine. Life is weird the ways in which it brings people to you. And the desperateness with which you hold onto them. I love mikeone because of everything he is (even if he doesn't like it), and who we are together and the foreverness he makes me feel about things.

Writing these is so much more about myself than about the people in them. I feel like there has to be some reason it's these people. Or that I am trying to recall what makes me happy. As I was writing this I remembered how I had creative writing 9th mod junior year next door to the room in which mikeone and Larry had study hall and I would wait for them to come out at the end of the day to walk upstairs with mikeone (because Larry and I, afterall, were just casual friends). And as we walked upstairs, we (mostly them) would scream the words to ATT songs. I don't know why it stands out so much in my mind. And then to think about the time we had that sleepover. It all seems so far apart and distant and so close. Time is so dumb sometimes.